In Retrospect
by trichloroethane
Summary: Risa looks back at her time with Daisuke.


**In Retrospect:**

Disclaimer: I don't own DN Angel.

Warnings: Oblique references to gay relationships

A/N: A different take on a certain character's point of view.

Bibliography: Thanks to Aeclectic Tarot ( for the symbolism. Mistakes are probably my own, so if you are a Tarot reader and you want to correct something, you may as well do it.

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Daisuke's my best friend; he always has been, and always will be. He's a better friend than anyone else I've ever met, and my sister doesn't count in this because she's _related _to me. You see, I like to count my friends and relatives differently, so I can have a 'best relative friend' and a 'best friend who's not a relative'. I remember the way Daisuke gave me his pail when we used to play together in the sandbox, and Riku would always roll her eyes and huff at me whenever I said I'd forgotten my own toys.

I remember Daisuke climbing over that huge fence when we were about six or seven, just to retrieve Riku's teddy bear for her. I didn't know what it was then, but I do now. When I saw that Daisuke treated my twin the same way he treated me, I didn't like it. Right there and then, I promised myself that I would become prettier and better than Riku.

I can unashamedly admit that I used to be so jealous of Riku, just because she was older. So what if we were a few hours apart? People didn't really care about those hours, but she did. There was always a rivalry between us, even when we were just little children. We competed for toys, nice clothes (Riku used to love wearing dresses), books…so I guess it wasn't any different with Daisuke.

I remember the day I bought my first set of Tarot cards. Daisuke was with me, and he offered to help pay for the deck even thought it was one of the more expensive ones, the kind that have golden edges and are so beautiful that you almost dare not shuffle them for fear of bending the beautiful pictures. He blushed when he handed the plastic bag to me. At that moment, I felt as though he was the only one he'd ever look at, and I felt just a tiny bit of glee when I thought that he'd bought something for me, but he'd never done the same for Riku. I like to think that it was then and there that Daisuke liked me, even though he only gave me the love letter years later. I still have it, you know. I just need to look for it some time…

Tarot cards aren't easy things to read; many of the readings are written on sand. Just like those long ago days, I thought I'd grasped the meaning of my cards, only to find that they'd changed again, forming a new shape.

Riku thought I was silly for wanting such an expensive, but useless thing. Daisuke thought it was interesting, and before the novelty had worn off and his mother kept him in the house all day, he'd come over and we'd read each others' fortunes, giggling. I do remember one thing, though. Daisuke nearly always got either 'Death'(1) or the 'Hanged Man'(2) for his future card. I always got the Empress(3).

Daisuke grew out of Tarot pretty quickly; much more quickly than I did. I sometimes still take the old deck out, just to look at the artwork that's just as beautiful today as it was back then. In any case, we went to school together, always laughing whilst Riku marched on ahead. I'd always make sure to ask Daisuke things like, "Is my hair nice?" and 'Do you like my ribbons?" because to me, those were the things he'd never, ever say to Riku. So I wanted them, even if it was just to show that I was different from my twin.

In our final year of junior high, Daisuke gave me the love letter. Although I had received plenty from other admirers even before, I had never dreamed that Daisuke saw me as anything other than a friend, and I had certainly never considered _him_ as anything other than a friend. For one thing, he was too cute. Nobody wants a guy who's _cute_ like a puppy; to me, it wasn't fashionable. So what if the other girls liked him? They could have him; I just wanted someone tall and mysterious and _cool_, someone who would make me the envy of all the girls in school. Nevertheless, I had to find him before Riku did.

I wanted Dark-san badly; I'll admit that right now. I don't think that I'll ever be able to forget him, because his story's so closely linked with Daisuke's. I never found out until the end, but it's all the same, especially when your cards start to show things you'd never seen before. As the days went by, my future card started to become the 'Hanged Man' more and more frequently, scaring me just a little. Daisuke's future suddenly disappeared from my cards; every time I asked them, just out of curiosity, my fingers would slip, or another problem would cloud my mind. It was as if the Tarot didn't want to tell me, or didn't know what to tell me.

The first time I went out with Dark-san, I thought it was the most amazing thing in my life. The dream boyfriend I'd always wanted was right beside me, and I was sure that the famous Kaitou Dark loved me. His voice always soothed me, and every time I heard it, I always told myself contentedly, "He's so much better than Daisuke."

Truth be told, I'm surprised Riku fell for Daisuke. He always seemed just a little bit too tame for her. Then again, he's definitely too white bread for me. Or so I thought back then. Dark's smiling face and nonchalant manner always attracted me, and I always waited for him outside on the balcony, hoping that he'd fly in and sweep me away on his wings, just like the night the paintings came alive.

Daisuke's not an unmemorable character; I'll give him that. Even when I told him that I wanted to be 'just friends', he still wouldn't let go. It was really cute and I'd always talk about how he turned as red as a tomato every time he saw me with my friends; just to show that someone liked me. I guess you could call me shallow.

There's one thing I never told anyone about, though. Not my friends, not my cousin Nanako, who's the most understanding person I know, and certainly not Riku. I think…I think Dark-san's special person changed.

He said that he liked me because I was like my grandmother; he showed me her photograph; but I think that could never bring himself to do anything other than be nice to me because he liked someone else. He humoured the way I clung to him, hoping to catch just a little bit of that shimmer he exuded the way movie stars exude glamour, humoured the way I obsessed over every single detail of his life. But you know what? He was nice to me-because Daisuke wanted to be nice to me.

I mean, I didn't _want _to see the real reason for Dark-san's actions. I didn't go looking for signs of a relationship, just to see if it really did exist. I watched, but I never saw. Not until much, much later. I mean, I didn't even _know _Dark-san and Daisuke were one and the same until six months later, did I?

But you know, the signs were all there, now that I think back on it. The way Daisuke would smile at nothing in class, the way he'd shift uncomfortably behind the kitchen counters and blush for no reason at all. It was just _cabbage_, for crying out loud.

Riku didn't like the way I obsessed over Dark-san, feeding Daisuke things that I'd cooked to make sure that they were okay. She always said that it would lead to my downfall, and in a way I guess it did; my obsession with Dark-san led to the downfall of my…well, empty-headedness you could say.

I suppose Daisuke will have my head for writing this down, but it's not as if I'm going to let anyone else see it, is it? So it's all right to put it down here. Nobody would ever want to read this thing, anyway. Besides, it's a good way to remember the two of them.

During the summer just after high school graduation, I met up with Daisuke for a coffee. Just for old times' sake, you could say. "Do you still read those Tarot card things?" He asked. I nodded, recounting Satoshi's, Riku's and Ami's latest fortunes. It seemed that during this last summer together, everyone had a bright future ahead of them.

He just laughed a bit, his voice somewhat deeper now that he'd matured fully. I always thought that he'd come into his own after Dark disappeared, physically and mentally. He now had a fair number of girls sighing over him. Nevertheless, a tiny part of me hoped that he still had feelings for me, and that he'd confess over coffee or whilst walking home, preferably in a romantic, film-star way. He and Riku had broken up in the middle of last year, mutually agreeing that a romantic relationship just didn't suit them.

"You know how Dark told you to find your own special person?" He asked rather abruptly. I stopped and nodded slowly. Even after three years, the memories still hurt just a little bit. "Um…" He twiddled his thumbs and bit his lip, a habit that had never fully disappeared unlike the nail biting. "Well…I _was _his special person." He ducked his head and shredded the napkin nervously, clearly waiting for some kind of reaction.

I thought he was joking at first, I honestly did. Then I realized that everything tied in, and like some long-forgotten jigsaw puzzle that I rediscovered at the bottom of he toy cupboard, all the pieces fell into place. Everything made sense now; Dark's conflicted expression, Daisuke's embarrassment and awkwardness on any subject pertaining to the other.

"You were?" My voice was just a little hoarse, the unshed tears sitting in my eyes. He nodded again, still not looking at me. I swallowed hard, trying to think of something nice to say, but nothing came to mind.

"Don't say anything," he mumbled into the frosted glass tabletop.

He stayed over that night, and we just talked. At some parts, he cried, and you know what? I think that was the first real good cry he'd had for a long time. In a way, we understood each other better than anyone ever would. Simply because we'd both…we'd both loved Dark Mousy.

There isn't much more left to tell. Daisuke left for Italy, and I decided to give his fortune another go just before, just so that I could tell him the kind of things to watch out for, what road his life might take. But when we saw him off at the airport, I couldn't bring myself to say anything…because I knew, right there, right then, that he wasn't going to come back. Not for summer, not for Christmas. Not even for New Year's. He was going to be gone forever.

Some nights, I'll quietly slip out of bed, tiptoe down to the kitchen and settle on the shadowy sofa in the middle of the living room, just looking out the window. I just hope that wherever he is now, Daisuke's happy. Then again, that's rather redundant, seeing who he's with.

1: Death: New beginnings, re-birth.

2: Hanged Man: Meditation, selflessness, sacrifice

3: Empress: A creator, but also one who takes away. Can be interpreted as a warning not to smother.

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Because Risa's nowhere near the little airhead that she is so often portrayed as. 


End file.
